I trust and want to see the best in people because i want them in my life. i want to believe i didnt waste my time and give away my heart. i dont want to be the idiot who fell for tricks…. and I always get hurt. I learn to hate them not because I enjoy being the school bitch, but because I’m obviously hurt. You can say you’re sorry, but sorry stopped meaning a thing after what happened. If you were sorry, it should’ve happened before two years later. It shouldn’t have happened after stares that killed and after I moved on to another guy and after you’ll never see me again. It should’ve happened before I was left alone and before the nights crying myself to sleep. I trusted you with many things, yeah we didn’t get along all the time even when we were friends, but what sophomore isn’t obnoxious… We talked about the deepest things that summer and immediately, you dropped off the face of the earth for her and ran after the guy you’d talked to me about for months. You didn’t expect me to feel backstabbed? You brought Kelly to gang up on me when you didn’t even know what happened.. She literally kept yelling at me for another couple days when you weren’t there. You didn’t expect me to hate you for that? It’s not like I have any reason to prove myself to you, but I don’t wana be the person I am because of what happened. I haven’t had a day to happy thoughts since her birthday and I never thought I’d turn out like this.
I really don’t know what to say to you other than its really too late to fix things In my book, and I really can’t honestly say I believe you. Maybe that makes you the better person.
Second and last rant for the evening.
I look like shit in all of my prom pictures except a handful of bad digital quality pictures shane and i took on my phone after. I never want to see them again and actually, there’s some kids I wouldn’t mind not seeing again either for that matter.
I just wish i had some memories with pictures to go along with.
AP tests start tomorrow and I’m as fucked as I will ever be. Week-long migraine and procrastination and lack of sleep from a thousand projects assigned in a week…. add up to extreme lack of studying. I really don’t see the point of taking 7 tests I’m guaranteed to fail…. If i didn’t understand calculus all year, what makes anyone think I’ll relearn it in 2 days? Yeah, I could’ve studied way earlier, but I don’t retain information anyway.. I just want to get the hell out of high school and try to start again. Preferably not feeling consistently like a failure. Alright well, I’ll end my rant and continue taking practice AP Chem tests.
i dont procrastinate because im lazy i procrastinate because theres so much shit i need to do and its fucking overwhelming and i distance myself from it and do things that bring at least some enjoyment and then i get even more overwhelmed when ive procrastinated for too long i cant win its a vicious cycle